Tuesday, July 11, 2017

Depression

Depression
(From The Valley of the Shadow, the 2nd of 6)

It’s dark.
I’m driving.
We’re talking.
No, arguing.
Again. 
Damn it.
I can’t keep up with you.
Into the same mire
Again.
It’s like you find pleasure
hurting me.
Your words lacerate,
I’m stressed, I’m angry, 
I can’t believe what I’m hearing.
Again.
And, but, no,
Lord have mercy!
Every warning light flashes in my brain.
The gyre - 
What the!
The rufter's affixed mid-flight.
The falcon forgets to fly.
Freefall,
Through the seat,
Through the floor, 
Down, Down,
Stars and headlights swirl.
Silently the
void swallows me.
Black clouds
punctured by my descent
spin round my brain 
with strands of mental vertigo,
unmoored, unhinged, and swinging
unable to close, 
to keep it out,
to let it in.
I surface, gasp for air.
I’m still driving,
You’re still angry 
destroying my arguments,
Obliterating me, 
as I fade again
Down, Down.
Into the hole.
I can’t stop,
No one to catch me.
Just your angry words
which offer no help
But stomp my fingers 
As I cling to the edge of the abyss;
Just your merciless anger,
cumulative knives that do not care
and my blood-slicked hands 
find no hold
as I’m nailed again
with your harsh words
to your rack.
I ride the darkness
far far away 
staring straight ahead
as white dashes 
announcing
a thousand clarifications
racing beneath our speeding car.
I keep quiet.
I no longer care.
You still have very important
points to make.
You rush to make sure
I understand,
That any opposition has been annihilated.
Why do you care?
You destroy me
for the pleasure
of being
right.
I don’t remember,
Getting home,
brushing my teeth,
climbing into bed.
My lover oblivion.
I awaken crushed.
I want to cry,
To be somewhere 
Anywhere but here.
Trapped, without hope,
No way out.
I do not want to be. 
I finally open my eyes.
But already 
I know this place, 
I dread what’s next.
My world gone grey, 
music into tedium,
palate swilling paste.
legs and arms of lead.
The falling stopped.
But I am far away, 
deep, out of sight,
Hidden from the sun.
In Jeremiah’s cistern 
Sinking in the muck.
And I am sure
It’s as you always say,


All my fault.




Fr. Stephen Freeman has written a very helpful post on the major issue (for me) in all this.  See https://blogs.ancientfaith.com/glory2godforallthings/2017/07/12/poor-debts-enemies-learning-forgive-pray/
His prayer, which I strive to make my prayer - 'O Lord, you know what my enemies have done to me.  On the Day of Judgment, do not hold it against them on my account.'