|The confluence of the Rhone and Arve Rivers in Geneva , Switzerland|
Marriage is a confluence of brokenness. At least in my experience. A confluence is the junction of two rivers, especially rivers of approximately equal width, according to a dictionary I consulted. Some rivers carry a lot of silt. Some convey the pollution that gets dumped into it. Rivers being rivers are full of life and death, muck and decay. Each one contributes fully to what the combined stream will become, for better or for worse.
|Confluence of the Danube, the Ilz and the Inn Rivers in Passau, Germany|
My experience of marriage has been similar, both mine and others of which I am aware. When we marry, often we are hoping for the best, and in denial about everything else that might compromise that hope. We are attracted to our partners because of what they bring to us, what they do for us. I 'love' her; she 'loves' me. We want to please the other. This in fact sustains us for a while, even a good long time. But what we almost never take into consideration is that the biggest thing my partner will contribute to our relationship is her brokenness. Just as the biggest thing I contribute to our life together is my brokenness. This can be masked, can be hidden, it can be denied, it can be compensated for. But eventually our true colors are up the pole, flapping in the wind. What I choose to do with my wife’s brokenness, what she chooses to do with mine, this is the true test of our hearts; it’s the anvil on which our commitment will be either shaped or shattered.
|The confluence of the Ohio and Mississippi Rivers at Cairo, IL|
It was shattered in my case, a long, slow-motion descent into relational hell with no one to rescue, no one to intervene, to staunch the bleeding, to pick up the pieces, to hear my cry. May God deliver you from ever having to go there. But I have learned something. It didn’t have to be that way. Even now, such is the nature of relationships, of Christian relationships, of being made in the image of God, even now it doesn’t need to be that way.
|Confluence of the Jailing and Yangtze Rivers in Chongqing, China|
|Confluence of the Rio Negro and the Rio Solemoes near Manaus, Brazil|
So we bring our brokenness to our marriage. We may have certain goals or expectations for our life together. But God’s goal, God’s purpose for bringing two lives together is, to use the Western theological term, sanctification, or the Eastern term, theosis, or the word I’ve been using – healing. We are damaged; we may think that it’s just a cosmetic dent in the fender when really the engine needs to be rebuilt. We may think that a paracetamol will take care of this headache when actually we are dying of inoperable brain cancer. It really is that serious, and we really are in denial. The effect of which is we poison our relationship with our brokenness, and take matters out on our partner, and they take matters out on us. And you can guess that it will not end well.
A marriage that ends in divorce is doubly tragic. Not just because two wounded people are wounded even further. But because they were brought together not to end like this, but to be God’s instrument of healing for each other. Recrimination and blame effectively kill the river of their marriage. The supreme irony being the broken one could not allow the other to be broken.
|Confluence of the Green and Colorado River in Canyonlands National Park, Utah|
|Confluence of the Thompson and Fraser Rivers in Lytton, BC, Canada|
But half of all marriages self-destruct. Others muddle through to some accommodation that smells more like a grudging tolerance or a negotiated cease fire than love. But it doesn’t need to be that way either. The sticking point is always our brokenness. But not in the obvious sense that, of course, our sin makes a mess of things. Rather, our refusal to acknowledge that we are broken, our insistence on finding fault everywhere, anywhere but in our own heart, or with our own words and deeds, our perverse and reflexive self-justification, our insistence on treating the other as if he wasn’t human, as if she wasn’t made in the image of God, as if he wasn’t dearly loved by the Savior of the world – this more than any ‘sin’ will doom a marriage. Such a heart cannot make room for God, and cannot be forgiven for brokenness that does not, cannot, must not exist. And therefore such a heart cannot love, at least in the way defined by people like Jesus and Paul.
|Confluence of the Alaknanda and Bhagirathi Rivers in Devprayag, India|
Marriage is not the only place intended by God to be safe for broken people. The Church is established by God to be His Hospital, the place where the broken, the wounded, the injured, the dying, the blind, the lame, the leprous , the sinner – we can all go and find mercy, and healing, and rest for our souls, and salvation, the medicine of immortality. But for too many, Church has become something else – the playground for power games, a place where I can use people to get what I want. The place where I pretend, for whatever reason, to be something I am not. Too many churches draw in hundreds, even thousands of broken people, but then offer only cheap distracting thrills, dishing out emotional experiences or heady well-constructed intellectual sermons that make rock stars out of the worship leader or preacher, up the number of followers on twitter, push up sales of the religious claptrap on offer in the church’s bookstore/coffee bar, push the assembled worshippers to bow down to our culture's Baal of entertainment as the be all and measure of what our 'church experience' should be like, all the while ensuring that appearance is everything for all the perfect people streaming in and imposing that subtle 'no worldliness allowed' faux 'Christian' sub-culture that tells the assembled faithful in a hundred different ways that whatever else they do, they cannot ever be vulnerable and broken because this is not a place for 'sinners'. So instead of becoming the God-ordained safe place for the wounded to find healing, for sinners to find rescue, for the broken to be restored, and for the rescued to learn how to love, churches too often become temples of false, me-centered religion and with the predictable results that always accompany idolatry. We create an army of hypocrites who fill our pews and clap their hands but are terrified of showing anyone what's really going on in their hearts and lives. Whatever ‘gospel’ is being preached there saves precisely no one and in fact drives one further from Christ and creates a collective parody of Christianity and church, giving people the false security that they are going to heaven when they die when the actual evidence of their lives would indicate otherwise. The broken stay broken, inflicting their brokenness on everyone else, all the while becoming ever more skilled in the fine art of denial and blame. And like dysfunctional marriages, dysfunctional churches limp on, oblivious of the fact that they have already become example number one of what Jesus refers to as hypocrisy, or as Shakespeare so aptly said in another context, ‘full of sound and fury, signifying nothing.’
|Confluence of the Mosel and the Rhine Rivers in Koblenz, Germany|
The only thing we the local church have to offer the world is not another seminar on ‘servant leadership,’ not another useless article on history or New Testament studies, not another trendy vacuous ‘worship’ song that does double time for Christian aerobics, not another celebrity preacher or concert quality worship extravaganza with lights and dry ice, not another dubious ‘crusade’ with an even more dubious ‘healing ministry’ – the only thing we have to offer as a church is ironically the same and only thing we as a married couple have to offer to one another, which is our love for the broken. And the only way we can love the broken is if we the broken have also been loved. When love, the love and forgiveness of Jesus, has not been experienced, you can tell. And when I let his love in, when I offer my brokenness to him, it changes everything.
|Confluence of the Drava and the Danube Rivers near Osijek, Croatia|
When two rivers come together, they contribute the entirety of their mess to their life together. When this broken man and this broken woman begin to experience forgiveness, and love, they begin to experience healing and wholeness, together. It may be too late for me. But I can still hope that this will be your experience.
Full disclosure - I found these great pictures of confluences at this webpage: