Thursday, March 5, 2015

Grits - Everything You Need to Know

I have my father to thank for this.  God only knows where he came across it.

Be still, my heart!  You can have some after Lent :-) 

What are Grits?
Some folks believe grits are grown on bushes and are harvested by very small people shaking the bushes after spreading sheets around them.  Many people think they are made from ground up bits of white corn.  These are lies spread by Communists and terrorists.  Nothing as good as Grits can be made from corn.  Research suggests that the mysterious Manna that God rained down upon the Israelites during their time in the Sinai Desert was most likely Grits.  Critics disagree, stating that there is no record of biscuits, butter, salt, or red eye gravy raining down from the sky at the same time, and that God would not punish his people by forcing them to eat Grits without these key ingredients.

How Grits are formed
Grits are formed deep underground under intense heat and pressure.  It takes over 1000 years to form a single Grit.  Most of the world’s Grit mines are in Georgia and are guarded day and night by armed guards and attack dogs.  Harvesting the Grit is a  dangerous occupation, and many Grit miners lose their lives each year so that Grits can continue to be served morning after morning for breakfast – not that having Grits for lunch and dinner is out of the question.

Yankees have attempted to create a synthetic Grits.  They call them Cream of Wheat.  As far as we can tell, the key ingredients of Cream of Wheat are Elmer’s Glue and shredded Styrofoam.  These synthetic grits have also been shown to cause nausea, and can leave you unable to have children.

Historical Grits
As mentioned earlier, the first known mention of the Grits was by the ancient Israelites in the Sinai Desert.  After that, Grits were not heard from for another 1000 years.  Grits were used during this time only during secret religious ceremonies, and were kept from the public.  The next mention of Grits was found amidst the ruins of the ancient city of Pompeii in a woman’s personal diary discovered in the seat of an old sedan.  The woman’s name was Herculania Jemimana, who was known as Aunt Jemima to her friends.

The Ten Commandments of Grits
I.  Thou shalt not put syrup on thy Grits
II. Thou shalt not eat thy Grits with a spoon or knife       
III. Thou shalt not eat Cream of Wheat and call it Grits, for this is blasphemy
IV. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor’s Grits
V. Thou shalt use only Salt, Butter and Red Eye Gravy as toppings for thy Grits
VI. Thou shalt not eat Instant Grits
VII. Thou shalt not put ketchup on thy Grits
VIII. Thou shalt not put margarine on thy Grits
IX. Thou shalt not eat toast with thy Grits, only Biscuits made from scratch
X. Thou shalt eat grits on the Sabbath for this is manna from heaven.

How to Cook Grits
For one serving of Grits:
Boil 1.5 cups of water with salt and a little butter.   
Add 5 Tbsp of Grits.
Reduce to a simmer and allow the Grits to soak up the water.
When a pencil stuck into the Grits stands alone, they are done.
That’s all there is to cooking Grits.

How to Make Red Eye Gravy
Fry salt cured country ham in cast-iron skillet.
Remove the ham when done and add coffee to the gravy.
Simmer for several minutes.
Great on grits and biscuits.

How to Eat Grits
Immediately after removing your grits from the stove top, add a generous portion of butter or red eye gravy.  Do NOT use low-fat butter.  The butter should cause the Grits to turn a wondrous shade of yellow.  Hold a banana or a yellow rain slicker next to your Grits; if the colors match, you have the right amount of butter.  In lieu of butter, pour a generous helping of red eye gravy on your Grits. There should be some left for sopping up with your biscuits.  Use biscuits made from scratch.  Never ever substitute canned or store-bought biscuits for the real thing because they can cause cancer, tooth decay and impotence.  Next, add salt.  The correct ratio of Grit to Salt is 10:1.  Therefore for every 10 grits, you should have 1 grain of salt.  Now begin eating your Grits.  Always use a fork, never a spoon, to eat Grits.  Your Grits should be thick enough so they do not run through the tines of the fork.  The correct beverage to serve with Grits is black coffee. DO NOT use cream or, heaven forbid, Skim Milk.  Your grits should rarely be eaten in a bowl because Yankees will think it’s Cream of Wheat.

Ways to Eat Leftover Grits
Leftover Grits are extremely rare and may only be a rumor.  Spread them in the bottom of a casserole dish, Cover and place them in the refrigerator overnight.  The Grits will congeal into a gelatinous mass.  Next morning, slice the Grits into squares and fry them in ½” cooking oil and butter until they turn a golden brown.  Many people are tempted to pour syrup onto Grits served this way.  This is, of course, unacceptable but delicious.

Blessing Before Eating Grits
May the Lord bless these Grits,
May Yankees never get the recipe,
May I eat Grits each day while living,
And may I die whilst eating Grits.

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