'A time to keep silent and a time to speak.'
Ecclesiastes 3:7b
With exceptions, verbal abuse in any relationship is
about control. It is often a highly
successful strategy to excerpt power over another because the abused partner
often assumes that his or her spouse is ‘on the same page’ as them in terms of
mutual goals, mutual values and mutual perspectives. The abused partner often can’t imagine that
his/her spouse doesn’t share the same mutual affection and concern for each
one’s mutual best. The abused spouse
considers their relationship to be about love, partnership and mutuality; the
abusing spouse is rather all about control.
What follows is a list of characteristics of a marriage scarred
by verbal abuse.
Verbal abuse is usually perpetuated by a man towards his
wife, although a wife may also verbally abuse her husband.
Verbal abuse against a spouse is almost never committed in
public; rather it’s done in secret when the two are alone. Only the partner of the abuser hears it.
Verbal abuse usually becomes more intense over time. The partner either adapts and more pressure
is needed to accomplish the same results, or the partner begins to resist and
greater intensity is needed to maintain control.
The verbal abuser consistently denies, discounts and/or
minimizes the partner’s perception of the abuse.
The verbal abuser invalidates his/her partner’s
perspective, experience, feelings, and ultimately his/her person in an effort
to maintain control and power over the spouse.
One does not enter into a relationship expecting to be
verbally abused. As a result, the experience
can be wholly disorienting. One may feel
one is going crazy. ‘How can he/she say these things about me and treat me this way, when
he/she doesn’t treat anybody else like this?’ One begins to doubt one’s experience, or
one’s perception. One begins to believe
what the abuser says about them or about the circumstances. One feels verbally beaten into
submission. One will often do whatever
the spouse is demanding, however demeaning, just to stop the abuse. One feels isolated and afraid to mention
their experiences to anyone else because one is afraid that no one will believe
me.
When verbal abuse is perpetuated by a wife against a
husband, there is often, along with the usual disorientation that accompanies
this abuse, a great sense of shame felt by the man that that hinders his
ability to admit that he is being treated this way or that he might need help.
Patricia Evans, author of The Verbally Abusive Relationship (2010), gives this guide to help
women and men recognize if they are in a verbally abusive relationship:
Verbal abuse is
hostile aggression. The abuser is not
provoked by his (her) mate. The abuser may consciously or even unconsciously
deny what he (she) is doing. In any
case, he is not likely to wake up one day and say, “Oh my! Look at what I have been doing. I’m really sorry. I won’t do it anymore.” No one but the partner experiences it. Usually only the partner can recognize
it. The aggression can be recognized
because the impact of the behavior on the victim is a hurtful one.
Generally the
responsibility for recognizing verbal abuse rests with the partner of the
abuser, because the abuser is not motivated to change. However, the partner may have difficulty
recognizing the abuse for what it is because she (he) is led to doubt her (his)
feelings. For example, if she (he) feels
hurt or upset by something her (his) mate has said and she (he) expresses her
(his) feeling, saying, “I felt bad when you said that,” the verbal abuser¸
instead of recognizing her feeling and responding appropriately, will reject
and invalidate her (his) feelings by saying something like, “I don’t know what
you are talking about. You’re too
sensitive [or selfish, or you are avoiding responsibility, etc.]. The partner then doubts her (his) own
perceptions. Why? In childhood, like many, she (he) may have
been taught that her (his) feelings were to be ignored. Feelings, however, are essential to our
being, because they are the criteria by which we determine if something is
wrong or unsafe.
When the partner
can recognize and validate her (his) feelings, she (he) can begin to recognize
verbal abuse. In other words she (he)
might say:
I feel hurt, I am being hurt.
I feel diminished, I am being
diminished.
I feel unrecognized, I am being
unrecognized.
I feel ignored, I am being ignored.
I feel made fun of, I am being made
fun of.
I feel discounted, I am being
discounted.
I feel closed off, I am being closed
off.
[I feel minimized, I am being
minimized.
I feel invalidated, I am being invalidated.]
If the partner
shares her (his) feelings with the perpetrator of the aggression, you can be
absolutely certain, he (she) will invalidate them…. The partner may then doubt the truth of her
(his) own perceptions.
(Evans, The
Verbally Abusive Relationship, 24-25)
Verbal abuse covers a spectrum of behaviors, and comes
from a spectrum of personalities. Evans
states that the verbal abuser may be any combination of the following traits:
Irritable
Likely to blame
his/her mate for his (her) outbursts or actions
Unpredictable (you
never know what will anger him/her)
Angry
Intense
Unaccepting of
his/her mate’s feelings or views
Unexpressive of warmth
and empathy
Controlling
Silent and
uncommunicative in private or, frequently, demanding or argumentative
A ‘nice guy’ to
others
Competitive towards
his/her partner
Sullen
Jealous
Quick with
comebacks or put-downs
Critical
Manipulative
Explosive
Hostile
Unexpressive of his
[her] feelings
Usually the partner
of a verbal abuser finds it difficult to see her/his mate objectively and
clearly. This is especially true if
she/he does not realize that her mate is, so to speak, in a different reality. He/she is not seeking mutuality. He/she is seeking to control and
dominate. His/her behavior may be so
changeable that his/her partner is kept off balance and is confused without
knowing it.
(Evans, The
Verbally Abusive Relationship, 39-40)
So verbal abuse is more than just using harsh words; it’s
more than the normal way couples quarrel.
It is, in fact, an entirely different way of relating, with the abusing spouse
making use of different means and
different ends than those assumed by the abused partner. According to Evans (40), relationships marked
by verbal abuse share the following characteristics:
Often present Often lacking
Inequality Equality
Competition Partnership
Manipulation Mutuality
Hostility Goodwill
Control Intimacy
Negation Validation
Combinations of these dynamics are embedded in the very
fabric of the relationship itself, making it very difficult to pull out one
without unraveling the whole. Without
any realization on the part of the abuser, the relationship will ultimately
fail, or continue to be enabled by the abused partner who continues to believe
the abuser above what his/her heart is telling them.
A pattern of verbal and emotional abuse may continue in a
relationship for a very long time. The
abused partner may believe the abuser’s constant accusations that he/she is
only getting what they deserve. The
abused partner may feel that the consequences of trying to put a stop to the
pain will be worse than his/her ongoing attempts to manage and live with the
abuse. The abused partner may be an
accommodator, trying everything he/she knows to appease the abusing partner in
hopes that the abuse will finally stop.
The abused partner may feel he/she will lose too much by leaving the
abusing partner. And/or the abused
partner may be in denial, choosing to believe that it isn’t so bad.
In relationships where one or both partners profess to be
Christians, the abused partner may feel obligated to ‘love’ the abusing spouse,
to endure his/her partner’s abuse for the sake of Christ and for the sake of
their family, to ‘turn the other cheek’ and ‘go the second mile’, to submit to
the other ‘as unto the Lord,’ to love his wife ‘as Christ loves the Church,’ to
forgive the abusing spouse again and again and again in hopes that their
‘Christian attitude’ towards their abusing spouse will result in the abusing
spouse ‘getting it’ and ‘repenting’. In
my experience, I’ve never seen these ‘Christian’ responses lead to anything
other than increasing contempt. For this
reason, abused spouses often feel trapped between the intolerable verbal abuse
they are experiencing and what they think ‘Christian love’ demands of them in
their marriage. And because no one on
the outside sees the abuse or understands the increasingly awful dynamic that
characterizes their relationship, the abused partner is left to make these
choices alone, and the abusing spouse is free to carry on with impunity.
Whatever its causes, and for whatever reason it is
tolerated, verbal abuse is a cancer that metastasizes to affect the entire
relationship. Verbal abuse will kill a
relationship, sooner or later. Sadly,
because other personality factors are often at work in the abusing spouse, even
when confronted they will almost never acknowledge that they have done anything
wrong. And if the abuser cannot or will
not admit their role in their marriage, there is nothing that can be done to
save it. Divorce in this case becomes
the only way the cycle of abuse can be stopped.
The Bible says that God hates divorce.
And for good reason. But there
are things worse than divorce. And if
the abusing spouse refuses to become a partner in repentance with the abused spouse,
then divorce merely makes official what has already happened as a result of the
abuse.
May God spare you from ever finding yourself in a
verbally-abusive relationship. And
should the descriptions above describe something of your own experience, may
God give you the courage to get help and to take the steps you need to take to
get out of that toxic relationship before it destroys you.
